i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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