last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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