that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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