she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
