Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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