I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
