And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
