I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
