I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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