I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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