YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
