just come out here and I will go home with you...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize