I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
