She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
