So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think my vagina is haunted
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Randomize