I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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