there's paper in my vomit.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
