Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
