Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
