so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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