peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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