there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
