Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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