please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
