kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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