sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Enjoy the penises
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
