Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
