I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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