2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My vagina just recognized that song.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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