Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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