i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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