If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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