I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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