my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
