I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
