I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
