Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
