Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
