I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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