you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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