so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
