Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
