I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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