The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
