I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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