Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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