You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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