thus making me awesome and them whores
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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