i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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