I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
