there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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