My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
