I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
