Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
