how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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