it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
