**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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